There’s a word out there many writers love to use, including myself. We like to insert it into a sentence and then sit back and smile. Then, without realizing it, we like to use it again three sentences later. Then again, then again, then again.
And then, after we’ve put the finishing touches on our work, we send it off to our beta readers to critique. Then, after waiting on pins and needles, we get their feedback and discover we’ve used and abused this most beloved word. So, we then grab a red pen and start crossing it out.
Cross, cross, cross!
With each deletion, our adoration for this word cools, colder then colder. Then, before we know it, we realize the word is nothing more than a crutch. A filler. A fluff word that acts like a catalyst for action and movement, but then turns out to be a hinderance in disguise. So, we then decide to avoid the word unless it’s absolutely necessary.
But then, and only then.
Like the word “as,” many writers tend to overuse the word “then.” Who can blame them? It’s a great word! Unfortunately, when we repeat it again and again, we risk a handful of problems:
Fluff, fluff, fluff
In a way, “then” is like “that.” At least 50% of the time, we don’t need it. It’s a fluff word we insert on instinct, not necessity. We also tend to add words around “then” to help us transition into the rest of a scene; fluff words that lead to over-explained actions, cluttered sentences, and stilted tones.
To show you what I mean, here’s an example from my action-adventure, “La Jolla.”
With “then”:
Cole pried himself free and then struggled on. He had to get to Finn.
But then, before he could reach his brother, the bridge heaved, like a briny belch had blown out of the waters below. Cole cried out and then his knees buckled. Cal Poly made a mad grab for him, but then missed.
Right then, Finn’s shrill voice cut through the metallic booms and wails. “Cole!”
Then the tracks collapsed.
Then the train plummeted.
Without “then”:
Cole pried himself free and struggled on. He had to get to Finn.
The bridge heaved, like a briny belch had blown out of the waters below. Cole’s knees buckled. Cal Poly made a mad grab for him and missed.
“Cole!” Finn’s shrill voice cut through the metallic booms and wails.
The tracks collapsed.
The train plummeted.
Laundry List
The more we use “then,” the more our stories resemble a laundry list of actions. Mr. Character did this, then this, then this, then this…
After a while, our stories start to sound like a broken record. And we all know what happens when a reader gets bored or annoyed by a story’s repetitive rhythm…Yep! They stop reading.
Here’s another example to illustrate what I’m talking about.
With “then”:
And then gravity’s force lifted Cole off the ground and then smashed him into the ceiling. Purses, cameras, and then even backpacks whipped past him.
“Grab my hand!”
Cole then looked down.
Finn raised his arm and then strained to reach him. Their fingers brushed once, twice—and then Finn lunged and grabbed Cole’s wrist. Right then, as he yanked Cole down, the train plunged into the water. The impact tore Cole out of Finn’s white-knuckled grip and then catapulted him into the rear window face first.
And then, for a breathless moment, he stared through the spider-webbed cracks spreading across the glass, down into a deep, black chasm.
Without “then”:
Gravity’s force lifted Cole off the ground and smashed him into the ceiling. Purses, cameras, and backpacks whipped past him.
“Grab my hand!”
Cole looked down.
Finn strained to reach him. Their fingers brushed once, twice—Finn lunged and grabbed his wrist. As he yanked Cole down, the train plunged into the water. The impact tore Cole out of Finn’s white-knuckled grip and catapulted him into the rear window face first. He stared through the spider-webbed cracks spreading across the glass, down into a deep, black chasm.
Spoon-Feed
Then this happened, Ms. Reader. Then this. And then this–Are you following along, Ms. Reader? Am I being clear enough? Because then this happened. And then this…
Readers are smart. They do not need to be taken by the hand and guided from point A, to point B, to point C, etc. So, be brave and trust your audience’s intelligence by transitioning scenes in simpler, more creative ways than “then.”
Here’s one more example from “La Jolla” to show you what I’m talking about:
With “then”:
Then Cole rolled over. With the train vertical, everybody, including Finn, hung above him. Then he sat up and blinked. All around him, a symphony of sobbing pleas, splintering glass, and grinding metal deafened his ears. Then he took a deep breath and struggled to his feet. Then he reached up and unbuckled Finn. “You okay, buddy?” He lifted him down and then set him on the ground.
Finn nodded.
“Good, cause we gotta go.” Then he kneeled down and struck the damaged window with his elbow. Then again and again.
Nothing.
Then, out of nowhere, Cal Poly appeared. “Watch out!” She peered over the top of her seat with a five-pound dumbbell. Then Cole blinked. He thought about asking her how she’d found it, but then decided it didn’t matter. People packed the weirdest stuff. Then he took hold of Finn’s arm and shoved him back, out of the way.
And then Cal Poly dropped it.
Without “then”:
Cole rolled over. With the train vertical, everybody, including Finn, hung above him. A symphony of sobbing pleas, splintering glass, and grinding metal deafened his ears. He struggled to his feet and unbuckled Finn. “You okay, buddy?” He lifted him down.
Finn nodded.
“Good, cause we gotta go.” He struck the damaged window with his elbow.
Nothing.
“Watch out!” Cal Poly peered over the top of her seat with a five-pound dumbbell. He didn’t ask her where or how she’d found it. People packed the weirdest stuff. He shoved Finn back.
She dropped it.
So, how do we prevent ourselves from overusing “then”? Well, here are a few strategies I have found helpful:
- Read your story out loud. You’ll be amazed how many repetitive words and phrases you hear when you do this.
- Ask someone to read your story to you. That way you can close your eyes and listen to it without being distracted by how it looks on screen/paper.
- Use the “Find” option and search for “then.” Remove as many as you can.
- Replace “then” with a ridiculous word like “hiccup.” See if you need to keep it. Chances are, you don’t.
So, there you go! I hope you’re able to take this editing tip and apply it to your work. Heaven knows I have to every time I sit down to write.
Don’t forget, my editing website is up and running! If you’re looking for someone to help with your story, check out Jen’s Edits and Critiques.
For more tips, visit my Jen’s Editing Tips page!
Photo credits: giphy
While my critique from the judges focused on a couple of minor plot hiccups, many of the other competitors received this comment:
Today, I’d like to share some of those strategies with you. It’s important to know how to cut the s–hit the delete button and remove unnecessary words from your work. It doesn’t matter if you’re writing flash fiction or a novel. Tight, concise sentences will make your story stronger.
Was. Should. Could. Felt. Heard. Saw. Thought. Noticed…
My business communications professor at CSU loved to mark my papers in red pen. She crossed out half of my words, circled the other half, and alway–always–scrawled this note at the bottom: “Go on a which hunt, Jenna!”
This is my policy about dialogue tags: If you don’t need it, don’t use it.
Two weeks ago, I wrote my second round story for the NYCM Flash Fiction Challenge. Besides being a total emotional drain, “Kleine Mäuse” was a mental drain too. I had to chop over 700 words from my first draft to meet the competition’s strict 1K limit. For hours, I narrowed the plot, condensed my sentences, and deleted any and all fluff.
Personally, my favorite editing trick is to read my work out loud. Not just once, but multiple times. And not just to myself, but to someone else. Or, better yet, to have someone else read it to me.
Hopefully you’ll be able to use one or all of these strategies to cut the you-know-what from your work and take it to the next level.
Just like the word “as,” this thing can wreak havoc on your writing, heaping on unnecessary problems if overused. In the past, I made this mistake too, babbling on and on. But, with a lot of hard work, I broke the habit, shattering it with sharper, clearer sentences. Today, I hope to help you break the habit too by showing you how to refrain from tacking on extra thoughts at the end of your sentences, carrying on for no good reason.
Okay, okay. I might’ve overdone it on that last bit. But, hopefully, you were able to follow along and pick up on today’s topic.
Just like the word “as,” “ing” transitions can hurt your story. The more you use them, the more problems occur: Redundancy. Wordiness. Confusion. Over-explaining. Telling, not showing…The list goes on and on.
Let’s get the most obvious out of the way first, shall we? As you probably noticed in my example above, “ing” transitions tend to drag sentences on and on and on…and on. They extend sentences beyond the point of clarity and comfort, cause repetition, and have the potential to suck all of the drama and tension out of a scene.
Writer: “I’m not sure if the reader will completely get this sentence, so I’m going to add an ‘ing’ transition to give them extra details, saving them from possible confusion and helping them see the picture I’m trying to paint.”
Bueller?…Bueller?
I hope you found this editing tip useful! Don’t forget, my editing website is up and running. If you’re looking for someone to help with your story, check out 
Okay, okay. I’ll stop before we all start banging our heads against a wall. But, hopefully, you picked up on what I’ll be discussing today: The word “as.”
It’s amazing how innocent and sweet this two-letter word seems. But, I assure you it’s not. Writers need to be wary of overusing it in their work for a few reasons:
“As” is just like every other word out there. The more you use it, the more noticeable it becomes. And the more noticeable it becomes, the more distracted readers get. And the more distracted readers get, the less focus they have. And the less focus they have, the more likely they’ll put your story aside and find another.
Way back when, a fellow writer told me, “Stop being lazy! Get rid of the ‘as’ crutch and find a stronger way to word your sentences.”
Maybe you’ve noticed by this point, but every time I use “as,” my sentences get longer, clunkier, and more confusing. That’s because they draw out sentences and add unnecessary fluff.
As expected, the article offered up some great tips courtesy of playwright and author, 
Since today will be my last Friday Funny until after the New Year, I thought I’d have fun by kicking things off with some dancing from one of my favorite Christmas movies, 
Are you getting into the holiday spirit and shaking that booty? Come on, you know you want to…at least a little. 
Hey, if Bing Crosby can do it, so can you! 😉
Basically, I’ll be re-sharing my most popular posts from the past year (based on the number of views).
Glancing at my stats page now, I see my most popular posts include stories I’ve written, helpful articles I’ve found for Twitter Treasure Thursday, and some articles I wrote myself. So, you’ll get a little taste of everything.
Yeah, things have been on the frustrating side. I really can’t explain why other than I’m hitting a wall and simply need a break. You know, a vacation. A real one. Like, on a beach somewhere with nothing to worry about but getting a sunburn by accident…
Okay, I’ll admit it. At this point, it’s going to take a Christmas miracle for me to finish my third draft by January 1st. A combination of fatigue and diligence has slowed my progress way down.
Luckily, I’m taking a week off of work starting on the 23rd, and besides celebrating Christmas and a few other holiday events, I have nothing planned, so I should have plenty of time to dedicate to finishing my third draft.
We boarded a train with our tickets, had hot chocolate served to us by dancing waiters, and listened to The Polar Express read aloud. Then we disembarked and walked over to watch the actual Polar Express train arrive.
As we rode the train, we were entertained with various reenactments from the story, as well as a visit from Santa who gave my nephews a sleigh bell. We even had our tickets punched by the conductor with the letter “B” for “Believe”.
The entire event was amazing and will likely go down as the main highlight of this holiday season for me.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Be safe, have fun, and try to relax more than me 😉
Why do I always make you dance with me on Fridays? Hmm, maybe I need to find a better way to celebrate the fact we’ve made it to the end of the week?…Or maybe not? I like dancing and this is my blog, so…
Yep, my decision’s made. We shall keep dancing on Fridays. Beware! 😉
Thankfully, I snapped out of my weary fog by Tuesday and got myself back on track…Well, mostly. You know, life. Stuff. Distractions.
Don’t worry, I didn’t eat my feelings or gorge upon ice cream all week…Just a lot of peanut M&M’s 😉
Oh, the joys of editing 😉
How was your week? I’ve spoken to a few of you in private about your progress with 
On the manuscript front, things have been both frustrating hopeful. Last Saturday, I began revising my first draft. Almost a week later, I’ve only edited two chapters. Two! Yeah, talk about sloooow going.
No, my snail-like pace isn’t because I’m being lazy or unmotivated or distracted. It’s because I’m no longer writing a story. I’m building one. As I revise, I’m constantly asking myself, “Why is this happening?” and “Who are these characters?” and “How can I make this more interesting–more relevant?” It’s no longer about pouring ingredients into a bowl. It’s about baking a cake. That means this draft is going to take time. And these first chapters will take a lot of time. They’re the ones that will set the tone and lay the foundation for the rest of the story.
Thankfully, after chewing my nails all day, my mom called and told me she genuinely enjoyed my MCs and would like to know more about them. Woo-hoo! Unfortunately, she had issues with a couple of other things, and she asked me some questions about the plot I had a hard time answering. But, it’s okay. That’s what second drafts are all about–finding the problems and fixing them. And, hey, better to fix them earlier than later, right?
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